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[22 Oct 2007|12:02am] |
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THE RED SOX ARE GOING TO THE WORLD SERIES!!! WOO!!!!!!!
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[25 Apr 2007|08:34pm] |
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Tomorrow I get my chest piece.
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[12 Mar 2007|11:04pm] |
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tomorrow could be a very important day
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[05 Mar 2007|08:46pm] |
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i'll touch you like i'm drawing the map
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[19 Feb 2007|09:09pm] |
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don't let an empty bed scare you
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[04 Feb 2007|09:57am] |
Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net
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[31 Jan 2007|08:56pm] |
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Put the bullet in the barrell take the safety off keep shootin' at the devil in the moonlight put it all on black till your luck comes back we're all waitin' for the end what kind of finish will he send these hands made of splinters keep knockin' back the whiskey sours I've got a few more days to go and I've got another crust of bread somewhere holed up waiting in this is this whats left of the house fill the lamp up with kerosene and toss the rest in the hall just coat the walls and strike the cigarette when you hear them coming we'll pray for them and stay with them till the poor little bastards die hand in hand we'll never forget them when they're gone so keep the girls inside of the little church with their bruised knees on the pews.
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[29 Jan 2007|09:06pm] |
It produces tremendous sadness among consenting adults. A terrifyingly disheartening experience, it causes great distrust between couples. A neglected, regrettable cubbyhole of human sexuality, it has ruined thousands of relationships.
When a woman’s vagina ruins a tender moment with a loud, unexpected expulsion of Cunt Gas, what is the discerning gentleman to do? When the giant slimy clam opens its mouth and belches, what is the proper etiquette? Do you ignore it…or try to console her…or do you tell her how truly repelled you are? Do you try to make light of it with jokes such as, "Who CUNT the cheese?" Or do you immediately get up, get dressed, leave, and never call her again? Do you ridicule her as a cheap hooker filled with rotted sperm? Or do you reply with a friendly fart of your own?
Even if she only does it once, and even if you don’t tell your parents or clergymen about it, her slovenly vaginal eructation will always be in the back of your mind, forever destroying any hopes for total intimacy. It’s something you need to talk about with your physician and your marriage counselor, and even if they’re helpful, the damage may have already been done.
We’re talking about pussy farts, gentlemen. Beaver burps. Muff music. The medical term, "vaginal flatulence," sounds like the name of a death-metal band. In England and Australia, where "fanny" is synonymous with "pussy," they call them "fanny farts." Still others call them "varts," a contraction of "vagina" and "farts."
But the most popular slang term to describe vaginal flatulence seems to be "queef." Some say the word is onomatopoeic and describes the sound the vagina makes when it unexpectedly expels air during sex—"queef!" Others say it’s a combination of "quim" and "whiff." Others insist the word isn’t "queef" at all, but rather "quiff." Or "queeb." Or "queever." Or "quiblet." A correspondent from Southern California says his homeboys call it a "quafe," rhyming with "safe." In eastern Canada it’s called a "keiff," rhyming with "knife."
But whatever you call it, at least call it "disgusting."
Comedians such as George Carlin, Howard Stern, Richard Pryor, and "Dice" Clay have made sport of it, rare is the woman who finds pussy farts funny.
Since it typically happens during moments of sexual rapture, at those rare, blessed moments when men and women share each others’ bodies and spirits in the fullness of what it means to be a Sexual Being, the pussy fart is perhaps the single most disgusting and soul-destroying bodily function known to mankind. Unfortunate human realities such as body odor and anal mishaps are the domain of both sexes; vaginal flatulence, like menstruation, belongs in a Realm of Disgust exclusive to the fairer sex. Both male and female genitals can be seen, touched, tasted, and smelled. But only the vagina boldly ventures into the fifth sense, that of sound.
Flurpf! Fwomp! Blurp! Flap! Splat! Thar she blows! A warm, wet, stinky blast from the vaginal steamhole. How charming. How dainty. How thoroughly ladylike. Even without vaginal flatulence, the female procreative organs are a repulsive parfait of mucus membranes intermittently exploding with blood; the pussy fart is the cherry on top, proving forevermore that WOMEN CAN BE ICKY.
So whenever a group of women start raggin’ about how all men are disgusting, all you need to is say two words:
"PUSSY FARTS."
The room will become silent. The women will either slink away in shame or attack you en masse.
THE PUSSY FART IS SHROUDED in disinformation and misunderstanding. This reporter could find no direct medical texts dealing with the topic of "vaginal flatulence," and this after days of wading through google. Surprisingly scant literature exists on a subject acknowledged as so universal. This may be evidence that even doctors are embarrassed that it happens and don’t want to think about it.
A physician friend likewise came up with no solid research but instead offered the following opinions:
"I did a MedLine search on vaginal flatulence and found jack diddly. However, based on some personal reflection…it is most likely due to the architecture of the particular vagina. Firm vaginas allow for a tighter seal around the penis, letting less air penetrate into the vaginal vault when the piston-like action of intercourse occurs. This forces air into, and then out of the dead end of the vagina. It would follow then, that loose vaginal muscles will allow queefing to occur. What causes loose vaginas is academic, however, but if a human being has tumbled out of it, or if it's been mercilessly penetrated, logic would indicate these as probable contributors."
A group of women on a post-hysterectomy BBS reported an increase in pussy-farting after their operations, which lends credence to the idea that it’s caused by a loose vagina. And a phenomenon known as "windsucking"—basically, equine pussy-farting—occurs among female horses whose cunt-caves have been rendered slack after giving birth.
Several accounts suggest that it occurs most often during "doggy style" intercourse. Many other women report pussy-farting during orgasm. This may be due to the fact that a woman’s vaginal muscles expand and contract during orgasm like chimney bellows, sucking air in and then blowing it out.
Pussy-farting is not always caused by sexual activity, because some women claim to get them during yoga squats or other strenuous feats. Through skillful vaginal flexing, many women can actually produce them at will, causing great mirth at slumber parties and in the girls’ bathroom.
There’s ample cinematic evidence of such willful vaginal flatulence. Most notorious is perhaps a 1979 Mitchell Brothers film featuring one "Honeysuckle Divine" and her amazing talkin’ snatch. A thing of repellent wonder, Ms. Divine’s poony-ya-ya quacks and snorts and breathes and shoots ping-pong balls and blows out candles to the snickering delight of a SF grindhouse audience. Another video has circulated for years that was allegedly sent by a wannabe groupie to virtuoso guitarist Steve Vai. For what seems like ten hours, she tries to woo the fast-fingered rocker by making frapping sounds with her sloppy starfucker gash. There are also reports of porn vids wherein a saucy female blows out every flame in a candelabrum with her snatch before drinking a goblet of cum…another where a girl fanny-farts into a flute…even a video called "Amber the Lesbian Queefer."
But in stark contrast to such willful pussy-farters stand perhaps millions of women who not-so-silently endure the humiliation and social stigma of involuntary vaginal flatulence. What’s worse is that there’s no way to tell whether a potential mate will be prone to queefing. It’s not like the vagina is a coal mine and you can send a canary in there to test whether it’s safe.
I have a friend who, back in his high-school days, dated a gal who once pussy-farted nonstop for a half-minute after he pulled his meatbone out of her.
It was to be their last date. The next day in school, he told everyone of her vagina’s didgeridoo-like performance. They all laughed and started making cruel farting noises whenever she’d walk by them in the hallway. She was emotionally ruined and probably became a nun or a stripper.
I once knew a girl who queefed so much, it was as if her cunt was a set of worn bagpipes hiding under her tartan schoolgirl dress. She had straight black hair, a round face, and nostrils big enough to insert coins in them. And her cunt snorted like a bronco. It was a frickin’ whoopie cushion, let me tell ya. She spent much of our relationship speaking through a muff megaphone. She was disgusted and ashamed of her relentlessly belching cuntflaps. It humiliated her to the point of violence on more than one occasion.
Her mortification at queefing was directly tied to the hatred she bore for her vagina, which was directly tied to her guilt, which was directly tied to her low self-esteem, which was directly tied to the lowness of her self. She localized her self-hatred in the act of queefing, rather than the proper place, i.e. her entire being.
And yet, maybe we’re looking in all the wrong places, too. One often mistakenly searches for profound answers amid the tangible and pragmatic. As we all know, the vagina is a gateway into the mystical. Perhaps the reason we can find no concrete answers about the pussy fart is that it’s hard to find spiritual things stuck amid common, vile concrete.
Is it possible that a pussy fart is actually the voice of the Goddess? Does a queefing cunt serve as some sort of Vaginal Oracle? Is that the voice of the Mother of All Creation speaking through the meat curtain? Is the pussy fart some sort of Lost Chord leading us all into a new gynocratic age? Viewed in such a celestial light, the vagina becomes a spiritual vessel, sort of like a tooth filling that receives radio transmissions. And perhaps the message is urgent, like a dog trying to lead villagers to a child trapped down a well.
Maybe it just sounds like dolphinspeak to us because our technology is too crude, our fall from grace too complete, to ever understand what Goddess is trying to say when she speaks through a pussy fart.
One mouth is never enough for a woman. Maybe we aren’t listening closely enough, and maybe there is a message deep inside those talking vaginas, if we can only get past our understandable disgust.
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[14 Jan 2007|04:10pm] |
children of men...
yeah...
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[04 Jan 2007|11:07pm] |
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A disconcerting way to wake: to find everything in place--the world goes on without my faith in anything--to have to drag myself from bed, pull a sweater over my head (somehow find a way to brave the sun again). And all of this just as I was beginning to have the most amazing dream. They rolled the stones away and let everyone come right in and say hello to me. They picked me up and held me there and smiled at my crumpled wings. And all of this just as I was beginning to have the most amazing dream. And when you go to sleep at night, don't you ever feel the weight of all the things that make you happy; that float around you, pull you down? And don't you ever want to stand up on the waves and run?
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| i feel that i am a slippery slope |
[20 Dec 2006|10:22pm] |
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let you down.i will let you down.i will let you down.i will let you down.i will let you down.i will let you down.i will let you down.i will let you down.i will let you down.i will let you down.i will let you down.i will let you down.i will let you down.i will let you down.i will let you down.i will let you down.i will let you down.i will let you down.i will let you down.i will let you down.i will let you down.i will let you down.i will let you down.i will let you down.i will let you down.i will let you down.i will let you down.i will let you down.i will let you down.i will let you down.i will let you down.i will let you down.i will let you down.i will let you down.i will let you down.i will let you down.i will let you down.i will let you down.i will let you down.i will let you down.i will let you down.i will let you down.i will let you down.i will let you down.i will let you down.i will let you down.i will let you down.i will let you down.i will let you down.i will let you down.i will 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[18 Dec 2006|07:12pm] |
morgan just flipped through The Onion for about 2 minutes. then she threw it down and walked away.
awesome.
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[16 Dec 2006|09:41pm] |
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well lay it down. if you wanted to work things out you wouldn't treat these words like guns in our mouths. we've got four miles till we hit water. and a million more till things are good. if you want them, you've got them. a million ways to let me go. can you feel it in your bones when i'm breaking you down? the subtle differences you've always worried about. the way your blood goes cold when i'm touching your skin. and how you promised this would never happen again. the way your ghosts slit my throat when i think of your name. and how i wonder if it happens when you do the same.
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[13 Dec 2006|09:02pm] |
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Why I should leave:no-why I'm leaving you for him..well, let's see here:well, let's see; where should I begin? Every night you get annihilated with all your friends, and every night I drink alone until you stumble home wanting some- like some fuck and run. I know you sleep around, I see it in the eyes of those girls. Those fucking girls..they smile and nod, but never offer a single word-I'm just in the way-I'm the ball and chain, you're the jailbird chirping, "how hard life is in the cage!"{ how hard it is waking up next to me. Well, you've dug this hole, come on and fill me up. When you said you loved me I knew I was getting fucked you said you'd never let go all that stopped:you used to turn me on, now we're just getting off that's why I'm leaving you. ****and the drunken erratic response from april's ex-boyfriend Trevor Post, upon finding said various notes **** you really, really think this guy is gonna make it all right? You told me you could never be in love with another man oh but this one is it! But I remember when we met we knew that this was the end. Yeah, I remember I remember everything the haircuts the dollar movies. We used to sneak a six pack in your bag, and wait for a girl to scream or a car to crash so we could crack open our cans. Or the time you shaved my head in the front yard; a passerby stopped to take a picture - ended up in the paper and now you want to leave? Well maybe I forgot a couple things it doesn't mean I don't remember how it feels when you're lying naked next to me. Valentine I want to feel your hips pressed up against mine. We'll push into each other-love's alive. It might be fleeting, but it's ours and it's tonight..so won't you reconsider love-lost lives? You might be lonely, but I'm still by your side. You might have to leave but not tonight
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[24 Nov 2006|11:05pm] |
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FGHT FF YR DMNS
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[08 Nov 2006|12:18am] |
who do you carry the torch for my young man?
do you believe in anything?
do you carry it around just to burn things down?
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[07 Nov 2006|10:07pm] |
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you're a voice that never sings is what I say
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[22 Oct 2006|02:45pm] |
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if i could only be what you wanted instead of what you needed
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